Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles


Leonardo

A born leader, Leonardo has always felt a sense of responsibility – not only for his brothers, but also for humanity.

“Sure, Master Splinter taught us to be ninja teens. But he also taught us that sometimes democracy can be more powerful than swords when it comes to helping people – and mutant amphibians – achieve a better life.”

Leonardo’s progressive tendencies naturally pushed him towards the Democrats. A big Obama fan, Leonardo likes to think that there’s a bit of Obama in him, in his even-handed approach to leading the turtles.

Sometimes, after a hard night of battling Shredder’s foot soldiers, he switches on CNN and finds solace in Obama’s own struggle to make inroads in Afghanistan. Yes we can, he thinks to himself.

Donatello

When the internet age arrived, Donatello was in his element. Having “done machines” for years, the world of email and online bulletin boards came naturally to the technologically talented turtle.

His net buddies provided the intellectual stimulation his brothers never could, and he spent hours in online chat rooms, where he was exposed to all sorts of wacky ideas.

One of these was Ayn Rand’s theory of Objectivism, and it wasn’t long before Donatello’s voice could be heard resonating around the sewers, espousing radical libertarian ideas that he’d picked on some underground website.

During such rants, the other turtles just roll their eyes and ignore him, knowing that if every turtle was left to pursue their own self interest, anarchy would prevail (duuhhh!).

Raphael

“You can take my sai – when you pry them from my cold, dead flippers,” reads the sticker on Raphael’s bedroom door. A member of the NSA (the National Sai Association), Raphael has been a strong advocate of the right to bear arms.

His unwavering views on the second amendment are matched by his equally black and white positions on abortion and gay marriage, and he has been known to go into intense fits of rage when Michelangelo teases him about being a closet homosexual.

Raphael has voted Republican since he was eligible and recently filled in for Chuck Norris at a celebrity martial arts demonstration, raising money for GOP presidential hopeful Rick Perry.

Michelangelo

Although known as a “party dude”, parties of the political kind have never interested Michelangelo; he has often said that he’d rather eat an anchovy pizza than watch a presidential candidate debate.

Despite this, recently Michelangelo has become more politically aware. When Herman Cain, President of Godfather’s Pizza, entered the 2012 Presidential race, Michelangelo thought he finally had a candidate he could support.

However, since learning about Cain’s border protection policies, Michelangelo has become deeply critical of Cain (and Godfather’s Pizza). In his own act of political protest, he has sworn never to order from Godfather’s again, despite really loving their super taco deep-dish.

Recently, he has been hanging out at the Occupy Wall Street protests, wowing Brooklyn hipsters with his old school skating moves.

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Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

Dr. Heathcliff ‘Cliff’ Huxtable


The United States emerged from the Second World War as the world’s industrial powerhouse.

Effective full employment, strong manufacturing, social security and rising standards of living meant a lot of things.

It meant the beginning of the civil rights movement of the ’50s and ’60s.

It meant an optimistic population, who elected optimistic, energised leaders.

And it meant jobs for African Americans.

This is the America that produced Doctor Cliff Huxtable.

American prosperity brought Huxtable to medical school.  It bought him his three-storey Brooklyn brownstone. It made him a respected member of the Brooklyn African-American community.

Huxtable’s politics were that of the northeastern African American elite — staunchly liberal Democrat, supportive of Carter, Jesse Jackson and Clinton. However, they took a rightward shift in the mid-nineties as the social crisis confronting African Americans in particular, and the United States in general, destroyed what remained of the mid-20th century liberal consensus.

Most men are unaware of the social forces, which, like waves on the sea, either lift them up or cause them to fall.  For a man who owed his social rise to the cleavages in the global economy a half century before, it was easier for Huxtable to think it was merely hard work which won him success. It was easy then for him to look at the social decay, rising unemployment and despair confronting inner-city African Americans and blame it all on the poor themselves.

Now in his seventies, Huxtable remains a staunch Democrat and in 2008, Obama proved a natural fit for his harder-edged views. Like the President, Huxtable’s politics stress personal responsibility and the supposed failure of absentee fathers for the social crisis.

Cliff Huxtable: just another man hemmed in by the limitations of American liberalism.

Dr. Heathcliff ‘Cliff’ Huxtable

Danny Tanner, Jesse Katsopoulis and Joey Gladstone


Tanner and wife, Pam, a successful couple living in Russian Hill, were archetypal champagne Democrats – passionate about social issues but increasingly uncomfortable that their views on taxation and public versus private education were becoming skewed by their higher income and desire to best provide for their children, DJ, Stephanie and Michelle.

When their world came crashing down after Pam’s untimely death, Tanner’s politics also changed.

The time-poor widower Tanner, finding it hard enough to provide ample attention for his three daughters, looked outside of his milieu and marvelled at the ability of single parents in other neighbourhoods who were faced with considerably more hardship than he was. It’s hard enough with a big paycheck and two male friends to help you raise your kids – imagine if you were on food stamps!

This galvanised Tanner’s outlook and pushed him further towards the left wing. Recent years have seen him increasingly use his personality and platform of Wake up San Francisco as a means to push his leftist, big government-driven agenda down the throats of San Franciscans.

Uncle Jesse takes a loosey goosey approach to politics. C’mon – he spent his youth chasing chicks and playing in the Beach Boys back-up band, so he was hardly enraged by the Iran Contra scandal! He is passionate about certain topics but does not have a highly evolved political sphere of consciousness.

Jesse has gay friends – he wants them to be recognised just like he and Becky are. He also thinks that people should manage their money correctly and not rely on government welfare. He is passionate about these topics and several others, but finds it difficult to find a candidate or party which totally speaks to him. He often makes up his decision at the polling booth or based on a candidate “he thinks he can trust”.

Joey  is a single issue voter: public education. Since the conclusion of the program and the evaporation of his radio and television career, Joey has returned to his roots as a classroom teacher and is heavily involved in the teachers union and carving out better funding for inner city schools. He commutes to Oakland each day from his basement abode in Russian Hill.

In a somewhat surprising twist since the show’s conclusion, family friend Kimmy Gibler became highly politically aware during college. She was elected student body president of UC Berkeley and now works as a staffer for Sen (D) Dianne Feinstein, but feels she is at times too moderate.

Danny Tanner, Jesse Katsopoulis and Joey Gladstone